Bill's book is officially in our hands . It was pretty exciting to get the copies in the mail and see all of the hard work that we did in print. Kind of weird, but really cool.
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Well, I guess it's actually happening that my brother is moving to Nevada with his girlfriend. They're leaving tomorrow to start the drive and he just came to say goodbye to Dad and me. It's pretty sad. I couldn't believe it until I saw it, but now I've seen it. It's very strange to think that in the future I can only see him if I plan it well in advance and get on a plane to get there. With all of the shit that has happened in the past two years for him, this really seems like the culmination of change. It could go either way--extremely good or extremely bad. I hope it turns him around; I hope they're able to work on their relationship in a healthy way and I hope he's able to get a decent job and start to rebuild his life legitimately. He can always come back if it doesn't work out. I was surprised how emotional I got when he was walking out the door. It's not like we hung out all the time, but it's just knowing that he's not within
Christmas is in two days. It doesn't feel like it at all. It's raining heavily today. I wish it were colder so that this would all be snow. I really just kind of want tomorrow to be overwith so that I can be with my family on Christmas. Tomorrow I'm meeting the girls to eat lunch, but really what I'm not looking forward to at all is going to Philip's parents' house. Under normal circumstances, I think I would be excited about it but after the phone call from his mom about switching the gathering date/time with his family, I have a bad taste in my mouth. It basically turned into a nonissue even though it started out as a major issue, and I'm still confused by that. (Though I may have turned it into more of an issue than it actually was to begin with... but not in vain. I was feeling the effects of the issue months ago and then it all came to head with the phone call.) I think I'll always feel like the bad guy here while at the same time feeling like I h
Well, GOOD news (mostly)! I was offered an internship at the University of Liverpool with the Centre for Lifelong Learning! My huge excitement was quickly shot down by the realization that I'll need a visa. Obtaining one is a terrible pain in the ass. All day on Friday at work I was researching information on what I'll need and it is a TON of very confusing hoops to jump through. My concern was doubled when the person who will be my supervisor (Tricia) says that two interns in the past were denied their visas and had to come a month late. (I'm assuming they were able to come after they appealed the denial and were then granted.) The thing that is so urk-some to me is that Heather did not need a visa when she interned at Cambridge. Granted, that was a few years ago and I'm sure regulations have changed since then. Currently there are about seven different types of visas and I probably fall into one of two categories--student or worker. My confusion lies in that I feel
Sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for a very lonely life. At Thanksgiving, my aunt said that my cousin Adam was concerned about what the holidays are going to be like once my dad and my aunt and uncle are gone. She brought it up in a way that made it seem as though, since I'm the only girl in our family, that I should be the one to continue our traditions and get-togethers. I've wondered the same thing myself, though. Really it will only be the three of us--my brother, my cousin, and I and whatever family we've made for ourselves by then. My feeling is that, if we're still close, that we'll still get together at the holidays. You make time and room in your life for the people you're close to. Beyond that, if I'm not planning on getting married or having kids, what will I have besides my family? And when my family is gone or when I no longer have much in common with them, who will I have then? In this way, I feel like I've slightly damne
Sending off these care packages to my soldiers before Christmas has been a pain in the ass. I know once I've done it the first time that I'll know how to do it for next time, but it's a lot of hoops to jump through. It's been quite expensive too, because I want to make it worth my while. I think I've spent close to $75 for each one, and it's $12 to send the package. I mean, it's my choice to buy whatever and put it in there--I want them to be excited about it, so I don't want it to be crappy. I think I'll only be able to do that once every 3 or 4 months though. Sending letters should be easier, so maybe I'll do that next time instead. Anyhow, I now have to go to the post office to weigh each individual item for customs. (I have 19 items per box.) I'm just scared of doing something wrong and then all of that money and time will be wasted. I also hope that it actually does get there on or before Christmas, though nothing inside of it is super-C
Finally an email back from the DRC. Pretty brief, though--just to say that he's waiting to hear back from HR about next steps, I'm assuming for filing paperwork for me to get payment of some type. I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but I wish we could talk about dates and projects in the meantime. He did say that they would need a background check, so I'll work on that as soon as possible. At least it's still good news from them. I finally broke down and at the end of the week last week sent out a couple emails to Canterbury Christ Church University. I feel like I need to cover my bases now in case none of this works out. I do feel better/less pressure about the whole trip planning with Pam thing. I saw her over the weekend and let her know that I still don't have any information but once I do, I will let her know as soon as possible. She understands and gave me some info on what other trips she has planned for next summer, so I know now what else is going
I am at the Normal Public Library and I am surrounding by racial/ethnic minorities. (Did we ever actually assert what the difference is?) Within 20 feet of me there are two Hispanic people, two people of African descent, one person of Middle-Eastern descent, and one Asian person. I see a family of Hispanics walking toward me. It's kind of sad to say that I think the reason this has happened is because those of us with privilege don't necessarily need to use the services of a public library. That is so unfortunate. I like being the minority in a room. It really turns the tables, even though I feel no different and it makes no impact on the injustices. I like being here; I've come to realize that the library is a great resource and I intend on using it more fully in the future. It brings back such great memories for me. I hope this library always stays the same because I think if I ever move away, I will come back here and automatically be in 5th grade super excited to re
Well... Tom Levinson from Admissions emailed me back. He's concerned that they don't have a student affairs structure at Cambridge (which I knew) and that I won't have experience with the projects that will be going on in May and June (which I was wondering about too). Sigh. I think it would still be good for me to do something with assessment and planning--anything really. I tried to convey to him that it doesn't need to be overly student affairs-y. Hopefully he gets that, but at the same time, I do want to be working on a project that is relative and interesting to me. Perhaps he'll come back with project ideas in the next email or perhaps he'll just say no thanks and then I can move on. He did offer to give my information to some of his colleagues at different universities, so that might be good.
It feels so great to know that I don't have class for about 1.5 months. All that's left now is the philosophy paper, which I will be busting my butt all day today and tomorrow to finish. Everything will be okay though. Everyone else in my class has left this to the last minute too, and the good thing is that I work well under pressure. And then it's party time. Woohoo!!!!!
Life is so much better when you don't have to think about giving a presentation. I don't know why, but the older I get the more scared I become of speaking in public. The nerves started over a week ago and the past two nights I literally could not sleep because I was going over it in my head again and again. I think all day yesterday and today my heart rate was not normal. By the end of the day today my hands were already sweaty in anticipation and I swear while sitting in class waiting for my turn you could see my heart beat on my chest from across the room. The thing is, once I get going... I actually kind of like it. It's just mulling over it and waiting for it that gets me. I have been repeatedly taking deep breaths of relief since it's been over. Thank. God! In other news, I have one paper due tomorrow which is 95% done and another due on Friday which is still in the outline stage. I'm not sure how I can get 10 pages out of a philosophy, but I will try my h
I always see pictures from people's weddings on facebook and I get jealous. I feel like I'm still grieving not having the perfect set-up in life by now, but at the same time I know that it's just not me at this point to settle down, put on the wedding dress, throw the big party, buy a house, and be bored afterwards. Can't I still have adventure after I do that? Maybe that's why I'm running from it... because I can't. I do love this dress though. I wouldn't want it to be so poofy and I wouldn't do so much bling up top. I love the vintage look of blusher veils, especially this birdcage one. (Too bad it wouldn't go with this dress!)
Still haven't heard anything from Mr. Harding with the Disability Resource Center. He should've emailed me a week ago and he hasn't responded to my email from the beginning of the week. I'm unsure how long I should let this go before I explore other options. I feel like it's really important that I start making plans. It would be especially nice to have something to tell Pam next weekend when she's here for Adam's birthday and is asking me... I wish I didn't have that added pressure. I can only do so much and the traveling after the work shouldn't be at the forefront of my mind, but I understand how she's wanting to know. I would've liked to know two weeks ago myself. I think definitely by midweek (Wednesday or Thursday) if I haven't heard anything I'm going to do some follow-up emails with other departments and send some to Canterbury Christ Church and University of Kent. This is just so incredibly frustrating!
I totally do not want to write this final paper for Dr. Phyllis' class--writing our own student development theory. For one, I can't think of a good population to write one about. I'm thinking of doing it on transfer students just because I have that experience already and know services for these students lacking and I always felt like at ISU there was just a general dismissal of the existence of transfer students. I'm not really sure how a transfer student's development would be any different, though--maybe it would include transition theory. Hmm... I've have to give that a thought. I just think that I've learned as much as I can learn about student development theory and I'm over it and tired of thinking about it. Eight pages isn't that much and I know it could definitely be worse. I'm just so looking forward to break. Dr. Mo's class, on the other hand, has surprisingly turned more interesting since class has been... over. The two final
It's now past 5:00 pm in England, so I doubt I will hear anything regarding the internship today, though I was anticipating it. I'm so anxious to know and plan! I will surely die tomorrow if I don't get an email from Mr. Harding and have to suffer through the weekend wanting to know the outcome of his meeting with HR. I'm wondering what type of practicalities are in question if I'm not being paid--perhaps he was just bringing up the possibility of some type of payment and still had to talk with them. I will know shortly, I hope!
I have really got to get over not doing 100% on every single assignment because I find myself getting anxious and upset. I got a 9.5 out of 12 on something and I can't stop thinking about it--what I should have done differently, if the teacher is just being bias or overly critical, etc. It's a 80% on that assignment and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter that much. I still have a good shot at getting an A in the class and so what if I get a B? I mean, of course I want to shoot for always getting As and doing my best, but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. My only thought now is that I'm trying to be a part of this honors fraternity and I need to maintain a 3.5 GPA to be a part of it, but again, does it really matter that much? Essentially it's just something to put on my resume and I guess if it happens, it happens. But now I've put all of this pressure on myself and it's really just kind of silly. I do good wor
I decided a few days ago to adopt a soldier. Someone on Facebook said that they did it and it was kind of the culmination of a series of things that were going on for me. One afternoon I spent a good 15 minutes looking at the list on Mollie's door of soldiers that have died the past two weeks in Iraq and Afghanistan. She posts a new list every time one is available and it keeps a running total of how many have died since the war started. They are all so young, usually under 22 or 23 years old. I decided to try to find some way that I could be on the listserv that does the same thing (her's is through the Episcopal Church) and while looking I found a website that has the picture of every soldier killed and links to articles in the newspaper about them. I probably spent an hour looking at their faces and learning about them. It is devastating to me that kids that young are being killed--and for what? I have no clue for what, but the whole thing got me thinking. In the past I
Finally some good news! I got an email from John at the Disability Resource Center at Cambridge and he sounds interested, pending some information from HR. He mentioned how they would like to pay me, but may not be able to due to budgetary things. I'm of course fine with that--I wasn't planning on being paid anyway, but if they could give something (like reimbursement for the flight or payment of rent while I'm there), that'd be phenomenal. I'm so super excited and want to know nownownow! The project he's thinking about has to do with benchmarking, which I just learned about a few weeks ago because a second year student talked about doing it during her practicum. It's not my number one choice of project--finding out what other universities are doing for international students with disabilities--but it will be a great experience. I just hope there is an opportunity for me to also work with students face-to-face. If not, I'm cool with it because I realiz
Today would have been Mom and Dad's 29th anniversary. Dad's in a funk--he didn't even look at me when I went out to say hi in the garage. He always gets like that around "dates" and I don't really get it because I don't get that way. On the anniversary of her death and the days leading up to it I generally just become reflective and maybe a little bit reclusive, but I don't ever totally shut down. Maybe it's different when it's your spouse. Poor Dad. He's had a rough go of it the past couple of years.
Increasingly disappointed that I haven't heard anything from Cambridge yet, but I know I just need to settle down a little bit because it's only been a week. Not even a week. I just really hope to have something squared away by the end of the month because I can't handle not knowing. It's all I think about. I feel like I should be thinking of different universities but I just don't want to. I'm set on Cambridge for the distinguished factor and the Heather's-been-there factor and the not-a-huge-town factor and I've really just generally fallen in love with it since doing so much research on it. I could always fall back on working in the Community Relations department where Heather did her internship, but I don't like that idea for several reasons--one, it has nothing to do with students and two, I have very little interest in it, and three, I would hate to do the exact same thing that she did. I'll give it another week, I guess, before exploring o
We've been talking in class for several weeks about the identity development of different races; we're currently learning about Asian American identity development. This week's readings have focused quite exclusively on how White society devalues racial minorities and considers people of color to be aliens and foreigners. One article even went so far to say that racial prejudice is taught to everyone in the United States, including those who are being prejudiced. I shy away from making blanket statements because I realize that it makes me seem like a racist, but can I just say that perhaps the reason that White culture has been institutionalized in this country is because, for heaven's sake, the vast majority of the people here have, until recently, been White? This, of course, does not and never will excuse racism when it exists and I whole-heartedly agree that we should make strides to make every person of every race and creed feel comfortable, safe, and welcome here.
The midterm was finished Wednesday. Huge relief to have that done. It was purposeful though because there was a lot of critical thinking about the theories and without that midterm, I don't think I would have remembered the theories as well. Now on to finding a practicum. I'M SO EXCITED! Wednesday in class Ashley and Tabby were there to talk about their experiences. It was helpful, but I still had a lot of questions and we spent a good portion of class having Dr. Phyllis answer them. I still have a lot and I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to ask because we're adults now and we need to step out and take risks and do things on our own without every little thing being approved. So... yesterday I sent my first email to inquire about an internship. At Cambridge University. In the Admissions office for the "Widening Participation Project" which is basically trying to get underpresented individuals to apply. SO NERVOUS. I sent three more today to the Continui
Things can hit hard. Mollie just told me a story about a "miscarriage" here a few years ago at the hospital of a baby who was 19 weeks and 6 days. At less than 20 weeks, they don't do anything for the baby because it more than likely won't survive and even if it does, it will have many health and developmental issues. The baby was born alive, but in this case, it was still considered a miscarriage. She lived for three hours. The parents didn't want to see her, but Mollie was asked to come bless her before she died. Mollie said that the baby's heart was beating--she wasn't even breathing--and that was the only movement happening, but when Mollie touched her forehead to bless her, she moved. She moved! A miracle in its own sense. I recently watched a very graphic video on what the "tissue" looks like from an abortion at around 20 weeks. It's a baby. It has a face and arms and legs. It's disgusting but at the same time beautiful and trag
I think that everyone should have to work retail at some point in their life. I don't care what you do for a living--there will always be a point when you are serving a customer. There will always be a point when you should be caring, understanding, and helpful towards another human being. For instance, I made a mistake on an invoice at work. I wrote the wrong account number on the invoice, so the bill was paid out of the wrong account. I called Accounting and for about the first 30 seconds, the person was understanding. Since then I've had to call back twice and today when I say who I am, the person says "I don't know!" right off the bat. She didn't even know what I was going to ask, but she assumed I was calling about the previous problem and that she didn't have any answers for me about it. The tone of her voice was annoyance. It was a mistake; I don't fully understand the realm of Accounting because I don't work there! Cut me some slack. We w
So... here I am. It's midterm time and it is brutal. The good part is that I'm learning a lot that I actually find interesting. On Thursday I met with Dr. Phyllis, as she is meeting with all of us in the program individually. I felt good about it because I'm pretty okay face-to-face with people. I was there for a good 45 minutes and it was nice because I got to talk explicitly about my perceived insignificance compared to my peers. She asked about my family, so I had to bring up mom. I can never decide if it's a good thing to talk about that because then people really know a lot about you, but it turned out positive. We talked about BroMenn (her husband works there) and we talked a lot about practicum. It's nice because I didn't feel like I really had to impress her, as I often did with professors in undergraduate. I do have to impress her with coursework, but maybe not when I'm meeting with her outside of class. Outside of class it feels more like a colle
I am so grateful that my boss is so openminded. I wouldn't be able to do this without him supporting my education the way he does. There are times when I really wonder if I should quit working at BroMenn and do school full-time because I feel as though I'm missing out on crucial social and university events, but then I remember that I need to fund my education somehow. I'm not sure how things will work when I only have an assistantship... I will either have to borrow from my dad or take out a loan. I'll probably do a loan because I don't like relying on my dad at age 25 for money. Others my age aren't, so why should I? I'm lucky enough to live at home and eliminate that huge expense. Really I should be saving a good portion of my income that I instead am spending frivolously on things I don't need. I'm not thinking too hard about how much England will cost. I think it'll work out. Last night I couldn't stop thinking about how much I feel li
Fantastic time at Michele and Miriam's in Urbana last night to celebrate Michele's 35th birthday. I'm so glad that her and I have stayed fairly close even though she's in Urbana and I'm here. She's one of the few friends I have that is near my age. It's so amazing to me that I can be such good friends with people who are so different than me. Michele has experienced the world; she's 10 years older than I am. Ten years isn't that much, I know, but she has done so many more things than I will do in the next 10 years. She's so open-minded and receptive even though I am a young and naive idiot. I feel as though I have nothing to offer, but she's one of my best friends. It's cool.
I'm feeling pretty good about school tonight, which is a change. After meeting with Dr. Marcia, I have some more information about practicum and graduate assistantship for next year. Now it's just a matter of waiting... until next month to start emailing universities in England about doing an internship there... until February before the assistantships start opening up. I hate waiting. These are some nerve-racking things to go through because it will test my competence. I feel like others have the advantage, but I am okay at putting my thoughts together if I have time to prepare and I'm a pretty personable person, so I think I might have a chance. My hope is to get on somewhere at Cambridge University, though I still have some more research to do. They don't necessarily have a "Dean of Students" or a specific student affairs department like colleges here in the United States do and that makes it tricky because I'm not sure where I'll fit in. I really h
I realize that I am such a blessed person, but sometimes I can't help but be annoyed that at 25 I have experienced very little culture and very few cultured places. I think that I have traveled quite a bit so far, but I've never really experienced anywhere. I look back on Europe and get so frustrated with my 16 year old self. I was in Paris, Nice, Monaco, Italy, and Switzerland and did not pay attention to anything. I didn't spend any time looking out the window or marveling at buildings and landscape the way I should have. I didn't take pictures of the things that mattered. I was there--granted, in five different countries in nine days--but I was there, and I didn't care. I was excited, but I had no idea the magnitude of the trip I was taking. Some people never leave the country they're born in and I went to Europe when I was 16 as my first trip really anywhere. Not only all of that, but I don't even remember thanking my parents for paying for it. I wou
Reflecting on the past two class periods... I've decided that I have no group and that everyone else does. I try not to let it bother me because I have to remember that it's not because I'm a person that people don't want to get to know. I realize it's because all of them work together at assistantships and also have another together on Monday. Not being a part of the group is just a biproduct of working full-time and only going to school part-time. I get it. It's just hard sometimes to feel like I don't belong and that I have nothing in common with people. The majority of them are quite a bit younger and have a lot more experience than I do in student affairs, which sucks because I feel like the underdog. I've learned a lot and sort of still feel like I'll be good at it--I just feel like I'll be less good at it than my peers. ...Sigh...
All I had on the brain today was not being at work and not being in central Illinois, which translates to: all I had on the brain today was being in England and/or moving away and "starting over." I will savor my time in the CSPA program, but I am just so anxious already for it to be over so that I can start my life as an adult.
T'is September. I am happy for that. It's been on and off autumn weather and I wish it would be here for good. Life has officially settled down, but I'm still overwhelmed with homework and need to put together a schedule somehow. I hate being a procrastinator, but you can't really help it when you're busy with other things all of the time. I have a five page paper due on Tuesday and I only have tomorrow to finish it. Five pages isn't that much, but I feel like every word has to be important in graduate school. I feel like this assignment could've been three pages and it would've sufficed for what I have to write about. I hate bullshitting to fill up space. The assignment I worked on today had to be two pages and I was suffering through that even. I just don't think I'm a wordy person. I can get to my point fairly efficiently. Maybe I'm not able to expand on my thoughts as much as I should, or maybe I just don't have enough thoughts in g
Today has been quite a spectacular day. It's nice to have a whole day free to do whatever, and have the day not go as fast as it typically does. Very nice, indeed. I'm excited because I finally put together my application for the graduate certificate program in academic advising at Kansas State University. It's all online and is five extra classes. Two of the classes count as electives--even though for me only one will. The easiest way to explain it is because I should've started this certificate program earlier. It's okay... I wanted to take vocational counseling anyway. Tomorrow I will print everything at work and send it off in the mail. I'm wondering how long it'll take to hear back if I got in or not. I don't think it's a big issue about getting in. I just get anxious to know so that I can plan the future. More reading to do... outside!
Life for now is getting more into a settled mode, I think. It's refreshing because for the past couple of weeks things have been crazy. In a few more weeks it'll be back to normal in basically every way. The book at work was really overwhelming for a little while. We sent it off to the publisher to approve some sample pages, and then when we get the go-ahead we can send the entire thing. I will be scared, but it'll be nice when it's completely off my hands. We had two graduations in the past two weeks. The old residents are done and the new ones arrive in a week. So, this week at work will be cleaning and tiding up and getting everything prepared for the new group. Once the new group starts, things will settle down quite a bit. And school started. I have yet to kind of find a schedule to get everything done. By the time class is over on Wednesday night, it basically already feels like the weekend and then I only have 1-2 days to finish reading for the next class! It
I usually fall asleep at night mad at myself that I didn't take any time during the day to just stop, look around, and smell the roses. The past few days I've been telling myself that I need to have at least one moment a day where I'm amazed at the wonder of the world. It's so hard for me to do that unless I spend time outside, unless there's some idea or fact that I learn that I'm just awed by. So, as one could guess, most days go by without any moment of wonder/awe. Today I made the good decision, however, to work out outside. It was a nice temperature--not too hot, and even a little cool when I wasn't working up a sweat. Right off the bat on the trail I got a few good whiffs of something. It smells really good and I think it was a weed and it made me appreciative that even though weeds are, well... weeds... that they're still good for something every once in a while--like a dandelion. These weeds were white and had little tiny blossoms and there wer
First day of class with my cohort group... I was so incredibly nervous! I don't know why over the past few years I've become less confident in myself and more nervous when attention is drawn to me and when I have to meet new people. It kind of sucks and I need to think more about what the correlation might be. It's like I don't feel as smart or as experienced as everyone else so I'd rather not stand out. But anyway, it went well. Lots of familiar faces thanks to facebook. Many seem to know each other fairly well, which I was kind of expecting. Dr. Mohammed seemed to kind of remember me from my application materials into the program. He mentioned Bill's name and said that he remembered his letter of recommendation. I'm wondering if it was just a fluke though because for one, Bill doesn't sign his name Bill, and for two, I went back and read Bill's letter and, although it was good, I don't know why it would stand out to someone who probably reads
True friendships are hard to come by--the ones where you feel comfortable with someone even after you haven't seen them for months, or when you just click with someone after only knowing them for a few weeks. I would say Evan is one of three relationships I have like that; the other two being with Jessica and Michele. I don't know if I'm allotted more friendships like that, though I hope so. Especially after working at BroMenn, I've realized that life is about the gray. Nothing is black and white and nothing fits perfectly into categories, no matter how messy or inconvenient that is. It's just the way life is and I'm starting to realize and appreciate and embrace that more and more.
The other night I got to thinking about what my last day at work will be like in May. I'm just so stinking anxious for it to be here. I mean, nine months will go fast... but not fast enough! I was imagining what I would say at our last lunch together because I'm sure it will be quite a reflective time and Mollie or Bill or someone will make us go around and say things about one another. (I'm so bad at things like that and this group of colleagues loves to do it.) So, in preparation for that I think I might try to write a short little poem or something about each of my colleagues so that I don't have to think of something on the fly. And I really hope that Bill doesn't leave without saying goodbye the way he did to Katie. I could tell that her feelings were severely hurt when he did that and mine would be too. I feel like, especially now, that Bill and I understand each other better, so I don't think he would do that. Who knows, though... I get overwhelmed thin
I've decided that I talk too much when I'm around my friend Michele and that I do this because she reminds me of my friend Jessica. Jessica was always the more quiet of the two of us and I would always dominate the conversation--I found this happening even recently when I visited her in Seattle. Typically I'm the more quiet person and let the other talk more, but I think that I'm so starved for a female friend that when I'm around one, it just all spills out and I can't shut up. I don't like this because then I feel insensitive and I don't want to look like I don't care about what's happening in their life because I really do. So, next time I'm around Michele or Jessica my goal is to let them do them the talking and guide the conversation while I ask the questions and listen. Classes begin in one week. I'm anxious and excited to get started, but at the same time bummed that I don't have at least a little more time to chill out befor
I made the mistake of staying at Philip's parents' house tonight after he left to go skating with his friends. Okay, it wasn't really a mistake, but I knew there would be some talk of the future with his mother when I made the decision to stay. (How could I not stay though, since Mama Bourque says, "You could always stay after he leaves, ya know... We didn't really get to visit..." Nothing like making you feel guilty. As if Philip would ever be around my family if I weren't there. That'd be like making a choice to be around them just for... fun?!) I literally sat down by her at the pool for five minutes this afternoon and she was talking about how worried about him she is. I love Joy to death--I really do--but ever since our first "break-up" I feel like any time I talk to her it's about him in that way and I just don't like it. She had the guts to look me in the face and blatantly ask me outright: "Do you see you two together
I was so bummed yesterday when I randomly looked to see what jobs Heartland had posted and saw that they are hiring an Academic Advisor II. If I would've gone to graduate school right after I graduated, I probably could've gotten that job and would be a real adult living on my own and having my own life and career. It's very disappointing to think about, even though it's been purposeful that I got hired at BroMenn and I'm so glad that I've had the opportunity to work there for the past few years. I don't know why I even still look at jobs... I'm just so ready to be done with school now that I know for sure what career I want. Le sigh...
I've been feeling very strange lately. I thought it was because of the amount of caffeine I was consuming by drinking espresso in the morning and usually some sort of pop at lunch time, but even when I don't have the espresso, I still am feeling like my heart is racing and my head is pounding. I've also been having trouble sleeping because of these things. Even now, with no coffee or pop, I still am feeling restless. I'm supposed to be working from home today (editing the book that Bill is editing), but I totally do not feel like working. What I feel like doing is working out and tanning and reading New Moon and maybe cleaning, but I don't have time to do all of that and work.
Today I was orienting Joseph to different things on the computer and phone system when he stopped and said he was having deja-vu. He said that he thinks deja-vu is when you experience something that God has in his plan for you and that he knew he was where he was supposed to be. I thought that was such a great way of thinking of deja-vu. I just really like it. Today I for just a moment in time I experienced what I think was a motherly instinct. I was coming up from the cafetaria and decided to take the route that includes walking past the window of the Mother/Baby Unit where the babies are sometimes laying. There were these two adorable Indian babies who looked like they might have been twins. One in particular was gaggling around and opening her eyes (I felt like she was a girl for some reason) and I was just so happy for a minute and felt like I wanted one. Even as I was walking away I was struck in such an interesting way. Hmm...
I am officially done with my summer class and I am oh-so-happy about it. I don't know what it was about this class, but I was so ready to be done. I hope it's not an indication of the entire program. I don't think so though. A big week at work. We have a new person coming in--Joseph--so our office will be full again. It'll be interesting to see how the dynamic changes with him. Not gonna lie though--it gets frustrating having to constantly orient new people to everything in the office and answer the same questions repeatedly. Just two more groups to get through... I haven't gained any weight since returning from the cruise, which I'm stunned about. I've ate horribly and haven't worked out much at all. I really need to do better and I keep telling myself I'm going to, but it's just so difficult. I need to change my attitude towards food and exercising to how it was before. It's so hard though. I never thought I'd have this much of a st
I am disappointed in myself that I let myself procrastinate this much. I mean, all of the assessments aren't that much work, but I should've started doing them sooner. I'll get them done--I'm almost half done now--but it's just so overwhelming at first to see what you have in front of you. I took the day off today so that I could work on them. I'm glad I did because I'm sure all day at work I would've been thinking about how I should be doing homework. Really I have all day tomorrow and Sunday to work on them too because Philip is working. But it's nice to have the whole day to just write today. Last night I got to reading my Grandma Scheffert's journal from 1969 and she talked about the moon landing. How weird is that?! I feel like I'm stepping back in time reading her journals and I love it. I think during my two weeks off between classes I'll try to read them all (and re-read the rest of Twilight, and re-read New Moon, and read Eclip
I've been very bad about this blogging thing and it makes me sad that I haven't kept up with it. The trip really has had me in a whirlwind ever since I returned and it probably won't slow down until the end of September. I am constantly fascinated by how quickly time goes by. It's already been two weeks since I got back. It's been one day since Erin's wedding. It's been one year since Celeste's wedding. It's been six years since I met Philip. Holy crap. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and I'm not even dying. (Or so I think...) I have some serious living to do in the next few years. I decided that about a year ago. Ever since I became okay with not getting married by a certain age and not having kids by a certain age it really opened up possibilities for me. I will go to England for a summer and I will go to Wilmington, NC or Erie, PA for a summer. I will move away for a job if I have to. I will do as the Romans do. I do not want
The cruise was fabulous. Here's the play-by-play of the whole trip: Thursday: Left at 7:00 am and drove down to Hollywood Casino in Tunica, Mississippi. In the middle of nowhere down there, literally, there is about a block and a half of casinos. People have said it's the Las Vegas of the south. I don't think it was anything like Vegas, but whatevs. It works for me if those in the south are having fun there. We got a good rate on the hotel because Pam's sister-in-law, Andra, goes there a lot for the buffet and gets comps. Friday: Continued driving to Mobile, Alabama. We stayed in Saraland, Alabama, which is just a few miles from where Pam's sister, Karen lives. We visited Karen at her house, had a meal, etc. I briefly swam in the pool and exercised in the gym at the hotel. Saturday: Went to Felix's Restuarant, which is near where the U.S.S. Alabama is docked. It's right on the water and is a great restaurant. I'm glad we went, just for the experien
I must say that thus far into my graduate school career I am disappointed in my peers. Discussion in class is much more worthwhile and insightful, compared to undergraduate. It's relevant and useful. Most of the time comments do come from the same little cluster of people, which is pretty representative of any group, since there are always going to be people who don't like talking in class. (I can't yet give myself brownie points for discussion in class, as I have yet to find my confidence and speak up when I think of something.) Group work is what gets me, though. It's so exhausting worrying about the quality of the work others are doing and trying to make up for them because your grade depends on it. But then you feel like a weinie if you say anything to the group or to the professor. I don't even know if that would be appropriate in grad school to tell the professor. I guess I'll figure it out.
I just love that my Grandma Scheffert wrote journal entries for years. When I first moved up here I had intentions of reading them. At first I was a little reserved about doing it, because I was afraid it would be too personal and I felt as though I might be invading her privacy. But then I realized that if she didn't want someone to read them that she probably wouldn't have written them in the first place, so I decided that she'd probably be okay with it. Some of what I've read already is so fascinating. I've learned a lot about her through her entries. Sometimes I've found myself laughing out loud at some of the things she's written. So tonight I decided to bust out her journal from 1984 because tomorrow we're having my birthday celebration at work and there are three questions we get asked on our birthday. Well, four, I guess: 1) How old are you turning? 2) What's the story of your birth? 3) What was the best thing that happened in the past ye
It's amazing how the littlest things can set you over the edge. A few hours ago this morning I got a phone call from a pastor. I didn't know what he needed, but I took his phone number to have the person he needed call him back. I got the number wrong when I read it back to him because he said it too fast. Here's how the rest of the conversation went from there... Him: Can you tell if a patient has been discharged? Me: No, I'm not able to look that up, but... Him: Nooooo [very denigrating tone]... What I asked was... Can you tell me if a patient has been discharged? Me: I can connect you to the switchboard and they can do that. Him: What's your name? Me: Sara... Him: How long have you worked there? Me: Two years. Him: Oh, it seems like you're new. Either you're new or you're really busy. Me: Uh... sorry? I'll connect you to the switchboard. First of all, what is the purpose of saying that to me? He might as well have told me
I'm feeling rather unspecial lately and it makes me sad. I realize that I'm not the center of the universe, but my birthday is the one time of the year that I like to feel at least a little more special than usual. Maybe I put too much emphasis on other people's birthdays and then when it isn't reciprocated for my birthday, I'm disappointed. My uncle and I have always shared our birthday celebration because his is the 22nd of June and mine is the 27th. This means that we celebrate early, usually the weekend before my birthday. Doing this makes my actual birthday so anti-climatic because all of the celebration has happened already. I'd almost rather have the celebration after my actual birthday, that way I at least have something to look forward to. No one seems to get that having my celebration that far away from my actual birthday is kind of depressing for me. So, with all of that being said, scheduling the celebration this year has been frustrating for a n
I think I want to live the kind of life that our good family friend, Pam Floyd, has lived. Although I'm sure there is a special importance and life enrichment to having children that nothing else can replace, I think traveling the world, seeing all of the beauty it has to offer, and meeting all kinds of people would come close. And this is what I want to do. I am so, SO excited to go on this cruise with her in July. The woman has been everywhere already and just continues to go any moment that she can. She has so much knowledge about places and can tell you stories about where she's visited from years ago. It makes me regret not paying attention to the places I have been.
I totally forgot until right now that today is my mom's birthday. It wouldn't have even occurred to me either had my aunt not mentioned it a minute ago. Usually I'm pretty good at remembering dates like this, though they don't bear as much importance to me as they do to my dad or the rest of my family. I feel really bad about it though because the day is over and I never even thought about her. She would've been 57 today. How different life would be if she were here... Happy birthday, Momma. I miss you lots.
I used to love Dane Cook so much. I don't know if he's meaning to do it as part of his bit or whatever, but it totally makes it not as funny when you blatantly say things just to get a reaction. For example, talking about sex in such a raunchy way. At first it's funny because it's completely unconventional to do that, even on Comedy Central at 9:00 p.m. Central Standard Time on a Sunday. For me, after awhile it just gets stupid. You can say all these shocking things but I don't laugh about it. Tell me real jokes. I will say that he's good at the delivery, though. I can appreciate metaphors and sound effects and truthful situations that are silly. And I did laugh out loud maybe twice during that special. But come on. Tone it down just a little bit.
I made a huge purchase yesterday morning. I've been wanting a new computer for quite awhile but couldn't bring myself to do it because my old one was working fine. BUT, last week my Compaq started doing crazy things that I've never seen before and couldn't fix on my own. That computer was a good 4-5 years old, so it wouldn't have been worth it to try to fix it. So I got a MacBook. And it's totally sweet. And it cost me $1400. And that's the biggest purchase I think I've ever made. But I'm an adult now, and I can do that because I'm responsible for myself. And then yesterday evening my car doesn't start. My dad doesn't seem to know what's wrong with it either, which scares me because my dad is a car person. I hope it doesn't cost me a lot but my fear is that it will. I really just don't have a good $500 right now. And I hate asking for money. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I got an A in my first graduate-level course
I'm having trouble sleeping lately, for about the past two weeks. Not sleeping, really. Falling asleep. I keep going over situations that have happened lately, specifically conversations I've had and what people meant when they said certain things, how I could have responded differently, etc. I even find myself coming up future conversations--what I would say and how the other person would respond. It's very frustrating because I can't go back and change conversations anyway, but I get myself all wound up worrying about conversations that may happen in the future. Usually I'll do this when I have something important really early the next morning but lately it's been every night and I'm wondering what's up with that.
Crazy day at work. Those of us on permanent staff had a meeting together about work flow issues. All day afterwards I was uncomfortable and just felt generally bad about how it all went down. Unfortunately it feels like it'll be that way for quite awhile. I've learned some valuable lessons about work relationships that I may not have learned working anywhere else and I'm grateful for that. I basically knew that today was going to happen eventually because I was going crazy.
I got the most fantastic e-mail today from a former student in the program I'm in. She did an internship at Cambridge University in England and my advisor gave me her e-mail address so I could bug her about what it was like. It sounds so great! She calmed some of my fears about the logistics of the whole thing like getting there, finding a place to live, being/feeling safe, being away from home, etc. And she made me really, really excited about the important things like actually being there, working there, getting to know the people, and having the experience of a lifetime for six weeks. I'm excited to hear back from her again because I had some questions about when the terms begin there. It's a good thing to have someone like her that I can contact when I have questions. Maybe I'll go to Cambridge instead of Canterbury... I really wish I were going this summer instead of next summer. I just need to remember to take one day at a time because the days go fast enough
I've officially deleted my MySpace account. I got kind of sad right at the end and was second-guessing myself because I noticed that I've had it for 5.5 years and that's a long time. But it's time to move on. There's no one on there that I need to be in contact with that I'm not in contact with on Facebook. Really it just got boring for me. I couldn't figure out a way to save my blog entries on there and that's mostly what I was sad about. I don't miss my DeadJournal entries and I probably won't miss my MySpace entries.
I just went for my first outdoor exercise excursion since spring. What a delight. It was sensory overload. I saw the most beautiful red tulips I think I've ever seen. They were like, more than red. They were high-definition-tv-in-real-life red. I wish I would've had my camera on me, but a picture wouldn't have done them justice anyway. The sun was shining in my face so brightly that I could see my eyelashes. The wind was blowing so hard that my sweat-soaked skin felt cool. And I re-fell in love with the band Thrice, particularly their song called "Night Diving."
I determined today that I need some sort of creative outlet. This is what resulted. This is my first actual blog since I had a DeadJournal. DeadJournal and LiveJournal were blogs before the term "blog" even existed, I think. I wonder if there's a way to import my blog entries on MySpace since I will soon be deleting it. I've written some fairly thought-out entries in that thing and I'd be sad to lose all of that. Oh well.