Old Soul, Young Heart

I was talking to Dad about my visa application being accepted--yes, that's right! ACCEPTED! Then I told him about officially submitting my resignation at Advocate BroMenn yesterday. It was probably a mistake to talk about that because I brought up the fact that the person in my position will have a "significant pay increase" compared to what I make and his opinion is that I should keep the job and still go to school. I'm not going to lie--I've thought about it too since I've known that it would probably be a career-track position. It's a tough spot to be in because I could really use the money. I could continue the program part time and finish in three years instead of two. I just really need the student experience in an assistantship next academic year and if I don't have it, there's basically no reason for me to get the master's degree. I'm not sure if Dad gets that aspect of it. I could go through all of this to get the degree and then

Every day after class I have the same feeling--I'm not cut out for this. I feel like such an idiot. I just need some reassurance that I'll be okay and that I'll do a good job. I almost feel like at this point that I need to talk to Dr. Phyllis or Dr. Marcia about it. I mean, I know I won't give up because I don't do that. I just... I don't know. I think if I was friends with the kids in my classes that I would feel better. I don't know anyone even after all this time and I don't expect them to try to get to know me--I'm only in one class with them this semester so what do I expect? They all have three classes together and many live and/or work together too. I just feel so awkward and like I don't belong to the point where I don't even want to be there sometimes. And that sucks. I just keep telling myself that it'll get better. It has to!

My visa application has officially been sent off to the British Consulate in Chicago. I'm super nervous about it even though I know there's no reason they would deny me. It's just so nerve-wracking knowing that the future is in their hands! I should hear in 7-10 days.

One of my favorite things to do is look at the milestones section of the newspaper, especially the 50th anniversary ones where the couple has submitted a photo of them from their wedding, paired with a photo of them now. It's just so fascinating to see how people change throughout the years. I love thinking about what their wedding day must have been like and what every day for 50 years must feel like--having kids, workday after workday, losing parents--just being together and knowing every little thing about each other. Sharing secrets that no one else will know because they aren't inside your marriage. All of that must be such a gift. All of the bad must outweigh the good. It's also just crazy to think about because you look at those pictures and often times they look like if you put them in different clothes that they could be young right now. (Of course they could!) What it must've been like to be young back then. I wonder how different the idea of getting married

I hate that I'm doubting my skills and abilities and gifts while in this graduate program. I really thought I was over it after last semester, but it just keeps creeping up. I meet with my advisor, I meet with my professor, I get good grades, I enjoy the work, but I still feel absolutely unqualified compared to my peers. And that's a terrible feeling. I know it's not a competition, but it sort of is in certain ways. Right now, anyway. Lately my feelings of inadequacy have been so bad that I feel like I don't even belong in this program--like it was a huge mistake because I have no experience (true!) and don't even know if I'll really even be good at it (true!). After a year, it's still a hunch that I'll love it. After learning about these offices the past few weeks I can't help but feel like I was jipped a little bit in my undergraduate. I mean, I didn't get THE best grades possible but there were so many opportunities that I didn't know ab

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. See? Why do I get nervous? Maybe it's healthy. (Even though it doesn't feel like it most of the time.) I can't stop smiling thinking about the fact that I'm actually going and every day will be surrounded by people who talk like that. I'm so excited about the project I'll be working on--a fabulous opportunity to be in an environment that I know nothing about and to use skills that I haven't used before and to get myself out of my comfort zone. Ahh!!!!! I'm so in love with my future.

I could drive myself crazy with nerves. I have become a significantly more nervous person in the past few years. It's very strange--I never used to be this way. Atleast I don't think I was ever this way. Maybe I've blocked it out. I'm waiting for John to call me from the DRC. It's 10:28 am and he's supposed to call at 10:30. It's the anticipation that just kills me. This isn't even an interview--I'm already past the hard part of getting offered the position. We're just chatting about my project. This is the first time I've actually talked to him though and I'm nervous about it. The time delay makes things awkward. We'll see though. I'll be sure to update once it's over...

The more education you have, the less likely you are to be certain about knowledge.

My suspicions were accurate--my job description is going from Secretary I to Secretary IV. Whatever that means. (According to Bill, it means a significant pay increase, but not enough to be more than what I would make as a professional in my career. So does that mean $15 an hour? $18 an hour cap?) Bill told me at lunch today in a way that makes it seem as though I won't get the benefits of this job description change, but rather, the person who replaces me. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm kind of resentful because all this time I feel like I should've been getting paid more and now someone else is going to come in and do my job (not as good as I've done it, of course!) and get paid more. On the other hand, I know that the money couldn't have come unless Advocate did and it's no one's fault that it has happened right when I'm leaving. On one hand, I'm jealous because I wish that it would've been me looking for a job when this di

Once you start doing things alone and are used to it, it feels so liberating. There's a scene in a Sex and the City episode where Carrie is sitting at a restaurant outside by herself, just taking in the view and not being afraid of being alone. Owning being alone. Not waiting for someone else, not reading a book, or having something to work on. Just being there. Alone. On purpose. Today I sat at Subway by myself and ate my tuna sandwich and then I went to go see the movie An Education . (Sidenote: I'm glad that I went to go see that movie. Of course my main attraction initially was the combination of things I love--ya know, England, love stories, education --but it was actually a good story with believable actors. Not the most fast-paced, but still good nonetheless. I like Carey Mulligan and forgot that she was also in Pride & Prejudice with Kiera Knightley.) I've seen a lot of movies by myself in the past couple years and I really just love it. Granted, I do tend

Annoyed that blogger doesn't have a privacy setting for individual posts. When I'm in England, I want to make this blog public but I don't want everyone to see every post I've ever made. So now it seems that I have to delete those private posts, never to be recovered or rehashed again. Pretty upset about that. I've thought about moving the blog to some other sphere, but I think that blogger is the most user-friendly. O'well. It wouldn't be the first time my posts have been deleted, and I've lived through those times.

It seems like the worry about the future never ends. For months it was the practicum this summer. Now it's the assistantship for next year. I'm wondering if I worried too much about the practicum and have neglected the assistantship--my peers seem ahead of the game on this one. (Not that it's a competition, but it kinda is.) I only have four GA positions that I'm interested in enough to even bother applying. In order from most interest to least interest: 1) Advising at Heartland--I should meet with Cecilia probably some time next week to discuss the possibility of being paid as an GA advisor there. She seemed sort of optimistic when I met with her in December and this would be the ideal situation for me. I cannot express how perfect it would be; it is exactly what I need experience-wise if I have any chance of getting an advising job in the future. 2) Advising Social Work majors at ISU--I'm not even sure if advising at ISU is possible at this point. They may be c