I had a dream last night sometime between when my alarm went off and when my body instinctively woke up so that I wouldn't be late for work. The dream itself was so scary and I woke up grateful that I have never in my life felt unsafe. Safety is something that we all take for granted, I think, and I need to pay more attention to how lucky I am to have my basic needs met, while others worry about them on a daily basis.
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I'm not generally a fan of Katy Perry. In fact, I think she doesn't have much talent. I do like this song, though. It's pretty and fun to sing. I could have a whole other blog entry, though, on the Cinderella-complex. (I'm not sure if the Cinderella-complex is actually anything; I just made it up. I'm sure you can tell what I mean by it from the content of this song.) Also, this isn't the music video for it or anything. Some person just created it, I think. Enjoy! (Or not.)
New favorite clothing website = Shop Ruche . Thank you, facebook, for advertising things that you know I can't resist. This one is up there with the wanting-everything stature of Urban Outfitters and ModCloth . *sigh* Why can't I be rich and totally sweet-looking all the time? One of my favs from the look book...
I just made a really stupid mistake at work and I've been sitting here for half an hour trying to debrief with myself about why and how it happened. The range of thoughts during this time has been "I have too much on my plate and can't handle details as well right now" to "People overreact and this doesn't even matter." I feel very badly about it and I'm having a hard time accepting anything fully except for "I should have known better." That's all it comes down to and it's hard to admit to that. And when I tell my supervisor about it, that's all I can really say. I can't explain it away, even though I want to say a lot of things to redirect the blame. But it's my fault and I have no good reason. I just should have known better and I'm sorry.
I am having a serious case of never-wanting-to-do-anything-ever-again syndrome. I'm just so burnt out on school and just want it to be over. I have a lot of little side projects and readings to be doing for classes and I just cannot get myself to work on any of it. All I want to do is stare mindlessly at the computer and/or tv. I love school and I know I'll miss it. I'll miss learning and having discussions about things. I'm sure in a few years I'll get the itch to come back. Right now, though, uuuggghhh. Yeah, I'm not sure how much more I can complain about graduate school, either. It'll be over soon, I promise.
The interview at Heartland went pretty well, but I could have done better. I hate feeling that way. I will continue to go over and over the entire thing until I hear something, which might not be until April 1. I just really want that job and will be terribly disappointed and sad if I don't get it. I hope that I was able to convey how good I would be for the position. I knew 4/5 of the people on the search committee. I'm not sure if this was good or not. It's just so hard to know how it went! If the other people they interview are incredible, there's no way I'm getting the job. *sigh*
I basically chose the craziest week to house and animal sit at the Turner's. Tomorrow alone I have the job interview at Heartland at 10:00 (which I didn't know about until Thursday, but still...) and I have my practicum supervisor and practicum professor meeting with Matthew and Dr. Paterson tomorrow afternoon as I'm working from 1:00-7:00 there. I will have much anxiety about both of these things tomorrow. Tuesday I work at ISU from 9:00-4:00 and then at Heartland from 5:00-7:00. Wednesday I have work at ISU, GRAD Finale (where I buy my cap, gown, and hood!), a group meeting, and class. Thursday I have practicum class after work at ISU and then the other class from 5:30-8:20. And Friday I'm shadowing Teri Farr again from 9:00-noon, then I'm going to a conference at Heartland, which is also all day on Saturday. I like that the days and weeks go quickly, but when you're not at your own house, it's just more craziness than need be. Most of this is my normal
It's really sad that I'm annoyed on several levels with something that I should be excited about. In semi-related news, I think I should stop talking. Or at least think a little harder before I tell anyone anything. Sometimes I think I blab a lot of stuff to people I feel comfortable with when it might not be something that person needs to know. It's quite disappointing to me that I can't just blab whatever I want to people I'm comfortable with (I mean, they are family and friends, for Pete's sake), but that's the way things are these days. In really good, awesome, spectacular news, I have a campus interview at Heartland on Monday. I've been debating on whether to write about my job search in my blog and I've decided that I'm just going to do what I want. Ironic, since I just said that I shouldn't blab things. This isn't really blabbing, though; I mean, I could go into much further detail about it, but I won't.
Sigh. I'm so ready for this time in my life to be over. I'm ready to work again full-time. I'm ready to have a normal schedule. I'm ready to have time in the evenings to do things that I like and not feel guilty about doing them--like working out and reading books for fun. I'm ready to move in with Philip. I'm ready to get engaged and married. I'm ready to go on vacation. I'm ready to learn how to cook and have time to do it. I am so looking forward to the future and I just want it all to start as soon as possible!!! Graduation is in eight weeks! It'll go very quickly. Especially from how fast the first half of this semester has gone, I know that the rest of it will fly by. I'm going to try my hardest to not wish it away and live the last two months of grad school like I should... but it'll be really hard to not count down the days.
Brady talked me into applying for the job at Lake Land College in Mattoon. It's an academic counselor/coordinator of student accommodations job. Basically it's a perfect fit for the experience that I have. I originally was thinking that I wasn't fully qualified for it, but again, it doesn't hurt to apply. The worst they can say is no. And they probably will! Ha! Why can't that sort of job be here? I mean, Mattoon isn't that far away (two hours), but I don't know. We shall see!
I feel like I often forget that my mom's death has affected a lot of people other than myself. I realize how selfish this is. My dad, my brother, my grandma (mom's mom), my aunts, my mom's many friends... I forget that they too grieved and are still grieving. They loved her and miss her just as I do and count themselves incredibly blessed to have known her. I learned during my time at BroMenn that after someone dies, the memorialization of that person tends to revolve around how great that person was, without any acknowledgment of that person's flaws. I mean, why dwell on that? It's kind of inappropriate, right? But... my mom was amazing. True story. Sure, there were things about her that were crazy that also drove me crazy, but it doesn't mean she was any less amazing. She just was. If I could someday be half as amazing as she was, I would be happy. And I think I would feel that way even if she were still alive.
I just spent some time with my dad, talking about and reliving what happened seven years ago tonight... the thing that has changed me and my life more than anything else--my mom's death. It is unbelievable to me that it has been seven years. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in other ways, like it was a lifetime ago. Similarly, sometimes I remember my mother so well that it feels like she's right beside me and other times, it's hard to remember even what it felt like to have her here. I think nowadays I cry because of what I won't be able to experience with my mom--things like my wedding and having kids, but mostly just having her here to talk to about everything, anything. I get sad because I feel like the person I am now is not the person that my mom knew. I was 19 years old when she died and her death has made me into this different person and I wish that she was able to know me now. I have learned to love people better and I wish that I would&