I just love that my Grandma Scheffert wrote journal entries for years. When I first moved up here I had intentions of reading them. At first I was a little reserved about doing it, because I was afraid it would be too personal and I felt as though I might be invading her privacy. But then I realized that if she didn't want someone to read them that she probably wouldn't have written them in the first place, so I decided that she'd probably be okay with it.

Some of what I've read already is so fascinating. I've learned a lot about her through her entries. Sometimes I've found myself laughing out loud at some of the things she's written.

So tonight I decided to bust out her journal from 1984 because tomorrow we're having my birthday celebration at work and there are three questions we get asked on our birthday. Well, four, I guess: 1) How old are you turning? 2) What's the story of your birth? 3) What was the best thing that happened in the past year? and 4) What are you looking forward to the most in the next year?

I asked Dad if he remembered anything from my birth, and he had a few details, but not many and certainly not enough to constitute an entire story. Last year I think I also asked my aunt Peggy if she remembered anything, but she didn't have a whole lot to add. This is one of the moments where I wish I had my mom. No one, obviously, would remember better than she. So since no one else remembers, I thought I'd look at Grandma's journal and see what she had to say, if anything...

"6/27/84 Wednesday

Sandy called me at 6 - she'd been up since 2 and they left shortly for the hospital...

Roger called about 2: a little girl, born at 12:59, 7 lbs. 11 oz., 21" long, 13" head, lots of hair, Sara Kaye. How about that!

Took Ryan shopping - found 2 dresses on sale at Roland's: pink check with a hat and orange striped and polka dotted. Both have panties to match.

I cooked creamed hamburger with mashed potatoes for supper, then we went to see her. She is sure a cutie, not swollen like Ryan was. Sandy says her fingernails are so long already, and she is so good. Can't wait to get her home.

Ryan was just darling when he first saw her. Put his face right up to the glass and his arms went out. He talked so sweet to her and she opened her eyes so wide and moved her mouth so he was sure she was saying 'hi' to him."

I get a little teary-eyed reading that, for many reasons. I think it's because a part of me feels like the best times are over. No Mom, no Grandma(s), no brother who cares. All of that is so distant in the past. Sure, there are things to look forward to and I'm a very blessed person, but it will never be the same. Because of all of that, birthdays (and other holidays, too) seem so bittersweet. I can't remember where I heard of it but somewhere I saw or read that a person would always send their mother flowers of their own birthday, because they did all the hard work on that day. How amazing is that? I wish I could do that now. My mother was taken for granted.

The good thing about this year is that Relay for Life falls on my birthday. I hope that I have a little reflective time on my own to think about how blessed I am now and how blessed I was to have my mom as my mom, even though I only had her for 19 years. And especially on my birthday, it's a good time to think about all she did for me.