Old Soul, Young Heart

This year has undoubtedly been the most fast paced one so far. Like, unbelievably fast. I said numerous times that it seemed as though only half of the amount of time had passed. In August, it felt like April. In October, it felt like June. I'm getting more bummed about how quickly the days, weeks, months, and years are disappearing. I feel like I just got used to writing "2017." I didn't accomplish much in 2017. I taught some classes and took some classes. I went to work and helped some students. I was not good at all about writing my book reviews. I still like that idea, but, realistically, I know I won't be on top of it. I read 21 books this year, which doesn't sound like much to me. I have the goal of 30 books for 2018! Generally I feel like this year has been a downer and I hate that it's the second year in a row that I feel that way. There was stress around Philip's job situation. There wasn't much to look forward to. I hope I can get mo...

This year has been a bit of a shit show. In general, I believe I'm pretty good about keeping life in perspective. A lot of times I see things that others complain about to be rather inconsequential. I am able to see the good.  But this year has been a bit of a shit show. It could've been worse... yes. But it definitely could've been better. Philip took a job that he despised. I was in a bit of a funk for part of the year (sort of depressed?). My dad was in the hospital. We dealt with cat drama. My car was broken into and my purse was stolen. A lot of friends and family dealt with crazy situations. Our country elected a clown for president. I've struggled with my job a bit. Some of that is #firstworldproblems. We have jobs! Everyone's depressed! People are in the hospital! Cars get broken into and identities get stolen! I understand, but it is what it is. In the midst of a not great year, I still tried to remember (every once in a while... when I was...

My soul just feels better with fresh air in my lungs. I didn't bring anything to work with me for lunch today (I am so out of groceries right now), so I was forced to go somewhere. I decided on Subway, since I hadn't had it forever and because it's probably the least caloric option in the vicinity of work. I took my tuna sandwich to Fairview Park and sat in the parking lot overlooking the hills where they let the fireworks off on the 4th of July. (That makes it sounds so picturesque, but it's not really!) I sat there for about half an hour, five minutes of which was spent with my eyes closed with the sunshine on my face. I thought about how perfect of a day it would be if I were at a beach. It was still pretty nice, even for being in Illinois in the middle of a bunch of cornfields. I drove back to campus and went for a walk for about 20 minutes. I smiled to myself thinking that folks in England would think that this weather is really hot. I remember one day Carrie ...

Today's List (Day 10): Today Was Awesome Because... I slept in : Until 9:30 and just woke up on my own... that's always the best! I cleaned : The kitchen and bathroom were in desperate need, so that got done. And then I took the recycling that I mentioned, oh, about a week ago. And then I vacuumed. And then I did the dishes. And then I did laundry. The whole place just feels so much better! I worked out : Spring break hours are a lot more limited at the rec center, but when I got there, there were only about 10 other people in the whole place. Usually it's jam packed full, so that was a nice change. I got ready at a good pace : Just like I talked about when I was describing a perfect weekend! Philip just came over : And we're getting ready to go eat dinner with his parents at Swinger's Grille. And there's relaxation in store tonight : We'll sit on the couch after that. :)

Yesterday's List (Day 8): I Need To Say No To... Not working out : I've done pretty good this week, but it's hard to actually get myself to go to the gym still. Candy, desserts, chocolately snacks, etc... : I am a junk food junkie and once I get started, it's hard for me to stop. Hence why I should just say no. Worrying too much about how I look : The eternal struggle. Today's List (Day 9): Happy Places There's no place like home. Cambridge UK The mall. What can I say? I like to shop! Any and every beach Philip's arms *awe*

It's crazy how some songs just always bring up certain memories for you. I was in 3rd grade when this song came out; I was like 8 or 9 years old. I still love it and I still picture myself in the backseat of my dad's orange 1938 Chevy as we're driving to Columbus, Ohio for a national hot rod show in the summer. I listened to this cassette on my Walkman repeatedly during that six hour drive. I don't know what it was about this song back then; it's not catchy, but it's actually quite beautiful, I think. A small part of my heart is reserved for the old country music that I grew up on. Don't mind the first 30 seconds or so. The audio isn't that great. Bear with me! Also, Wynonna reminds me of my mom, minus the crazy red hair. It's amazing how similar their faces are.

I've spent a little time today watching the stuff about 9/11 on tv. I think it's important to take the time to be reverent and humble about it. The thing that gets me every time are the phone calls that people made to their loved ones from the planes or inside the buildings. They knew that their planes were hijacked and that something terrible was going to happen to them. I can't imagine leaving that kind of voicemail or having that last conversation. How in the world do you convey how you feel in that moment? All of them sound surprisingly calm, as if they were already resigned to their fate. They all were definitely braver than I would be.

Today's List (Day 8): Things That Remind Me of My Childhood There are probably a ton of things, day after day, that remind me of my childhood. Instead of racking my brain to come up with things, I'm going to change this post a little... to "Things That I Remember Most Vividly From Every Age (By Elementary School Year)," because that's way easier. Preschool My first "boyfriend," Bryan. Being made of fun by the girls because I wore undershirts and they would say I was wearing a bra. Looking back I can't believe that this happened in preschool... I mean, I was like 4 and 5 years old! I also remember the little "programs" that we put on for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Kindergarten Playing on the monkey bars that we had in our classroom. (Do kindergarten classrooms still have monkey bars?) Wearing my little monitor to school to detect that I had a heart murmur. (I have a double heart murmur, in fact.) Some boy looking up my ski...

Good enough... good enough... good enough...

"'Good enough' is a divine concept." My former supervisor at Advocate BroMenn, Bill, left this comment on a facebook status update of a former chaplain colleague. I had heard other former colleagues say this phrase before about being a "good enough" chaplain and I was always intrigued by the idea. I'm not sure how "good enough" translates into other types of work. I would venture to say that being "good enough" is looked down upon in every other profession. We always have to be above and beyond the norm or the expected. I cannot be "good enough" in my interview. I cannot be just "good enough" at my job. I have to outshine all the others... at least for now. I think we are all raised to think that "good enough" is not good enough. That makes no sense, but at the same time, it does. "Good enough" is not actually enough unless it is better than others. I guess in chaplain-world, there is no com...

I'm being nerdy tonight. But I've listened to this song like four times, crying the whole time. It's happy and sad at the same time and really pretty. It makes me think about life and how complicated yet simple it is.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." William Shakespeare.

Sometimes I believe my skills in objectivity overshadow my interpersonal skills. What I mean is--at times I feel as though I don't react the way people want me to or expect me to when they say something or are explaining a story, because I can't help but see that there's more at work than just their opinion, perspective, and experience. Sometimes people just want you to be mad when they're mad and frustrated when they're frustrated and, at times, this can be difficult for me. I learned the skill of objectivity from my colleagues at Advocate BroMenn. They taught me calmness and, honestly, sort of a lack-of-reaction type of reaction when things seem somewhat sensationalized. Especially in a professional atmosphere--like at work--I think it's important to know how to react appropriately. This is difficult for me, especially as I'm trying to establish good relationships with my colleagues, because it seems that sympathy and gossip can sometimes be the easiest ...

I've had a lot of "congratulations" after finishing grad school, but there's been a couple reactions that I'm not sure about. Examples: "Now you get to look for a job!" or "Welcome to the real world!" or some combination of these comments. What's the point of saying things like that? I'm not really one to toot my own horn, but essentially to me, it seems like people say things like that to detract from the fact that I just worked really hard on something that they don't value and/or quite understand. Like, "Oh yeah, you did that and it's great and everything, but guess what? Now you get to look for a job and suffer through that whole process. Was it worth it to go to grad school or did you just do it to delay looking for a job?" or "You basically just spent two years of your life not actually doing anything worthwhile in a fairytale land that doesn't mean anything to those of us here in the 'real world....

I'm not generally a fan of Katy Perry. In fact, I think she doesn't have much talent. I do like this song, though. It's pretty and fun to sing. I could have a whole other blog entry, though, on the Cinderella-complex. (I'm not sure if the Cinderella-complex is actually anything; I just made it up. I'm sure you can tell what I mean by it from the content of this song.) Also, this isn't the music video for it or anything. Some person just created it, I think. Enjoy! (Or not.)

I just made a really stupid mistake at work and I've been sitting here for half an hour trying to debrief with myself about why and how it happened. The range of thoughts during this time has been "I have too much on my plate and can't handle details as well right now" to "People overreact and this doesn't even matter." I feel very badly about it and I'm having a hard time accepting anything fully except for "I should have known better." That's all it comes down to and it's hard to admit to that. And when I tell my supervisor about it, that's all I can really say. I can't explain it away, even though I want to say a lot of things to redirect the blame. But it's my fault and I have no good reason. I just should have known better and I'm sorry.

It's really sad that I'm annoyed on several levels with something that I should be excited about. In semi-related news, I think I should stop talking. Or at least think a little harder before I tell anyone anything. Sometimes I think I blab a lot of stuff to people I feel comfortable with when it might not be something that person needs to know. It's quite disappointing to me that I can't just blab whatever I want to people I'm comfortable with (I mean, they are family and friends, for Pete's sake), but that's the way things are these days. In really good, awesome, spectacular news, I have a campus interview at Heartland on Monday. I've been debating on whether to write about my job search in my blog and I've decided that I'm just going to do what I want. Ironic, since I just said that I shouldn't blab things. This isn't really blabbing, though; I mean, I could go into much further detail about it, but I won't.

I have spent hours tonight reworking my resume. I want the formatting to at least catch someone's eye, even if the content on mine is not as outstanding as someone else's. So that's what I've been doing. It's almost there. Unfortunately NeoOffice isn't doing it for me anymore... I'm afraid I'm going to have to break down and get Microsoft Office for Mac. I just can't do everything that I want and it's totally annoying. Like--for Pete's sake--I can't even change the margin size, deactivate a hyperlink, or add a symbol. There may be ways to do that, but I haven't figured it out and, trust me, I've tried. I really need to finish this ASAP because I have three jobs that I need to apply for and who knows when they'll close. I just get so nervous; I want everything I send them to be perfect and totally representative of how awesome I am. Ha! I also spent too much time tonight looking at wedding stuff. I can totally understand ho...

I just read over the majority of my blog posts from this year... ya know, to kind of reminisce about what's happened, seeing as it's New Year's Eve. That's why I love having this thing; I'm able to go back and see what happened and what I have considered and learned this past year. It's just fun. Clearly, the majority of what I wrote about was the journey to and at Cambridge. I'm happy that I cataloged all of that. (I think if I do a scrapbook of my time there I'm going to include some of my blog entries about it. It will be a useful tool if I decide to do that.) My journey there included much amazement that it was actually happening and I think I still feel that way. I can't believe that I was actually there and did that. I wonder if I'll always feel that way. I wrote a list of the things I wanted to do while I was there in my March 21 entry. Here it is in full, with the things I did do bolded. Things I need to go/see in England: - Burghl...

An update on the binder situation: I got an email back from Carrie (house mom in Cambridge), who I had left the binder with and who was going to take it to the DRC to see it off from the post. She apologized profusely about it, which made me feel bad because it wasn't her fault at all. She admitted that sometimes people in the DRC are "awkward, especially [insert name of individual who I suspect purposefully did this],"which I believe means that the only person who is awkward is that person. . Anywho... she thinks that I should email John (supervisor at Cambridge) and explain what happened, but I'm kind of over it at this point and realize that not much can be done. I think Carrie is going to try to gather the bits that were missing and perhaps find the actual binder and send it to me. That would be nice, but I'm not getting my hopes up about it. Oh well. I just started reading the book Traveling with Pomegranates last night because I received it in ...