Old Soul, Young Heart

It's so weird to think that this time last year I was preparing for my last week as the secretary for Mission & Spiritual Care at Advocate BroMenn. It seems like a million years ago, honestly. So much has happened since then. And now, as I prepare for my last week of grad school, I hope I can say the same when I'm looking back on this time next year! I am surprisingly calm about all that I have left to do and about the fact that I haven't found a job yet. I think once I don't have anything to do and I still haven't found a job, that I might begin freaking out a bit. I mean, I'm always going to do my best and try my hardest, which is all I can really do. The rest is out of my hands, so why worry about it, ya know? I am fortunately in a good spot to be able to not worry. This is not to say that I'd be super excited and happy to have a job sooner rather than later!!!

Couple of things. 1) My job at Advocate BroMenn has opened up again. I'm very confused by this revelation, since I only left in April. The person who replaced me was quite clear that they wanted to stay until they retired. I hope everything's okay with that person--but I really want to know what happened! Part of me wants to contact Bill and see if he'd give me the scoop, but I know better than that. My heart is hurting a little, just because I loved that job and I miss it. It would be silly to go back, after having left to finish graduate school. Sigh... 2) I received an *almost* perfect score on my ethnography paper on the culture of the Deaf Redbirds Association and deaf culture, along with an offer from Dr. Phyllis to help me pursue getting it published. I wasn't expecting this at all and I'm not sure if I totally agree that it's publish-worthy, but it's quite flattering to be told that from the prof. There's no reason why I wouldn't want t...

I really can't believe that my time at Advocate BroMenn is over. I'm not sure that if my first job out of college was somewhere else that I would've grown as much as I did while at BroMenn. I can't express how lucky I was to have worked there, to have gotten to know the people and students in Mission & Spiritual Care, and to have learned as much as I did about life, death, and God. It was where I needed to be. It's hard to think that it's really time for me to move on. It has truly been bittersweet. I will miss this place and these people, but I will take a lot with me and I will always have that.

Even though tomorrow is my last day at my job, it is still so surreal. Thinking about being here every day for the past 3 years and then after tomorrow, never coming back, is a very strange feeling. I can't imagine leaving a job after working somewhere for 30 years or something. On Monday I thought that Philip and I were meeting his hockey friend and his hockey friend's wife at Medici for dinner. As we were waiting for them to arrive, I see my boss and one of my colleagues come over. Then all of a sudden everyone from the department is coming out of the woodwork of the restaurant. A surprise going-away dinner for me. It was fantastic and again, kind of surreal. I was showered with thoughtful words and gifts. I am so lucky to have worked here and am fearful that I'll never have this kind of work experience/relationship again. I think everyone must feel this way when they leave this office. So blessed.

I must say that it is very strange training someone else for my job. Strange, but happily familiar. I can appreciate being new and I'm glad to give advice that I wish I would've had. On the other side of the strangeness, I'm feeling good. It feels like this has been coming. (Well, it should feel that way--since it has been coming and I've been waiting for it for a year. Well, not waiting to leave. But waiting to go .) It feels good to do this final thing; to pass on the knowledge and really see what all I know. I will miss feeling competent. Sad, but true.

The semester finally feels manageable now that I have less than 4 weeks left and I can almost count on one hand the number of things I have to do for school. Just as a recap... Tasks left to do: EDCEP Class - Watch module 6 videos - Take modules 5 & 6 quiz - Watch module 7 videos - Complete module 7 assignment EAF Class - Complete peer review of Omolola's case study - Work on/complete research project The research project will take the most time and, though I've procrastinated quite a bit on it, I don't think I'm in that bad of shape. Lately I've just been feeling like I can only work on one project at a time, otherwise I get overwhelmed and just want to give up. I'm glad that I did put in some work on the project at the beginning and middle of the semester. I have a feeling that everyone in class is in the same boat on this project as I am, which is good. Well, not good--but it's nice sometimes to have people to commiserate with. In other news, Bill ...

Suuuper tired tonight after a 12 hour day. My last delegate meeting, though. Too bad I pretty much have them down-pat at this point. I do hope that the person who replaces me is a quick learner because there are a lot of details to pay attention to. The night was good. I even got a shout-out from Roger Hunt, saying thanks for my service. I had to stand up and everyone looked at me and clapped for me, but it's nice to get the recognition. He told everyone that I'm going to England, so lots of people made conversation with me about that. It's a fun thing. I think that I am a fan of change. I'm not sure if I could ever be the person who works somewhere for 30 years. I guess I don't really have enough life experience yet to know if I'm that type of person, but I feel like I would get bored too easily. Who knows. This kind of change, though, I'm a fan of. Happily leaving one step in my life for another. Hopefully it's a step in the right direction. Eek!

I was talking to Dad about my visa application being accepted--yes, that's right! ACCEPTED! Then I told him about officially submitting my resignation at Advocate BroMenn yesterday. It was probably a mistake to talk about that because I brought up the fact that the person in my position will have a "significant pay increase" compared to what I make and his opinion is that I should keep the job and still go to school. I'm not going to lie--I've thought about it too since I've known that it would probably be a career-track position. It's a tough spot to be in because I could really use the money. I could continue the program part time and finish in three years instead of two. I just really need the student experience in an assistantship next academic year and if I don't have it, there's basically no reason for me to get the master's degree. I'm not sure if Dad gets that aspect of it. I could go through all of this to get the degree and then...

My suspicions were accurate--my job description is going from Secretary I to Secretary IV. Whatever that means. (According to Bill, it means a significant pay increase, but not enough to be more than what I would make as a professional in my career. So does that mean $15 an hour? $18 an hour cap?) Bill told me at lunch today in a way that makes it seem as though I won't get the benefits of this job description change, but rather, the person who replaces me. I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm kind of resentful because all this time I feel like I should've been getting paid more and now someone else is going to come in and do my job (not as good as I've done it, of course!) and get paid more. On the other hand, I know that the money couldn't have come unless Advocate did and it's no one's fault that it has happened right when I'm leaving. On one hand, I'm jealous because I wish that it would've been me looking for a job when this di...

Bill's book is officially in our hands . It was pretty exciting to get the copies in the mail and see all of the hard work that we did in print. Kind of weird, but really cool.

Sending off these care packages to my soldiers before Christmas has been a pain in the ass. I know once I've done it the first time that I'll know how to do it for next time, but it's a lot of hoops to jump through. It's been quite expensive too, because I want to make it worth my while. I think I've spent close to $75 for each one, and it's $12 to send the package. I mean, it's my choice to buy whatever and put it in there--I want them to be excited about it, so I don't want it to be crappy. I think I'll only be able to do that once every 3 or 4 months though. Sending letters should be easier, so maybe I'll do that next time instead. Anyhow, I now have to go to the post office to weigh each individual item for customs. (I have 19 items per box.) I'm just scared of doing something wrong and then all of that money and time will be wasted. I also hope that it actually does get there on or before Christmas, though nothing inside of it is super-C...

I am so grateful that my boss is so openminded. I wouldn't be able to do this without him supporting my education the way he does. There are times when I really wonder if I should quit working at BroMenn and do school full-time because I feel as though I'm missing out on crucial social and university events, but then I remember that I need to fund my education somehow. I'm not sure how things will work when I only have an assistantship... I will either have to borrow from my dad or take out a loan. I'll probably do a loan because I don't like relying on my dad at age 25 for money. Others my age aren't, so why should I? I'm lucky enough to live at home and eliminate that huge expense. Really I should be saving a good portion of my income that I instead am spending frivolously on things I don't need. I'm not thinking too hard about how much England will cost. I think it'll work out. Last night I couldn't stop thinking about how much I feel li...

Life for now is getting more into a settled mode, I think. It's refreshing because for the past couple of weeks things have been crazy. In a few more weeks it'll be back to normal in basically every way. The book at work was really overwhelming for a little while. We sent it off to the publisher to approve some sample pages, and then when we get the go-ahead we can send the entire thing. I will be scared, but it'll be nice when it's completely off my hands. We had two graduations in the past two weeks. The old residents are done and the new ones arrive in a week. So, this week at work will be cleaning and tiding up and getting everything prepared for the new group. Once the new group starts, things will settle down quite a bit. And school started. I have yet to kind of find a schedule to get everything done. By the time class is over on Wednesday night, it basically already feels like the weekend and then I only have 1-2 days to finish reading for the next class! It...

The other night I got to thinking about what my last day at work will be like in May. I'm just so stinking anxious for it to be here. I mean, nine months will go fast... but not fast enough! I was imagining what I would say at our last lunch together because I'm sure it will be quite a reflective time and Mollie or Bill or someone will make us go around and say things about one another. (I'm so bad at things like that and this group of colleagues loves to do it.) So, in preparation for that I think I might try to write a short little poem or something about each of my colleagues so that I don't have to think of something on the fly. And I really hope that Bill doesn't leave without saying goodbye the way he did to Katie. I could tell that her feelings were severely hurt when he did that and mine would be too. I feel like, especially now, that Bill and I understand each other better, so I don't think he would do that. Who knows, though... I get overwhelmed thin...

I was so bummed yesterday when I randomly looked to see what jobs Heartland had posted and saw that they are hiring an Academic Advisor II. If I would've gone to graduate school right after I graduated, I probably could've gotten that job and would be a real adult living on my own and having my own life and career. It's very disappointing to think about, even though it's been purposeful that I got hired at BroMenn and I'm so glad that I've had the opportunity to work there for the past few years. I don't know why I even still look at jobs... I'm just so ready to be done with school now that I know for sure what career I want. Le sigh...

Today I was orienting Joseph to different things on the computer and phone system when he stopped and said he was having deja-vu. He said that he thinks deja-vu is when you experience something that God has in his plan for you and that he knew he was where he was supposed to be. I thought that was such a great way of thinking of deja-vu. I just really like it. Today I for just a moment in time I experienced what I think was a motherly instinct. I was coming up from the cafetaria and decided to take the route that includes walking past the window of the Mother/Baby Unit where the babies are sometimes laying. There were these two adorable Indian babies who looked like they might have been twins. One in particular was gaggling around and opening her eyes (I felt like she was a girl for some reason) and I was just so happy for a minute and felt like I wanted one. Even as I was walking away I was struck in such an interesting way. Hmm...

I am officially done with my summer class and I am oh-so-happy about it. I don't know what it was about this class, but I was so ready to be done. I hope it's not an indication of the entire program. I don't think so though. A big week at work. We have a new person coming in--Joseph--so our office will be full again. It'll be interesting to see how the dynamic changes with him. Not gonna lie though--it gets frustrating having to constantly orient new people to everything in the office and answer the same questions repeatedly. Just two more groups to get through... I haven't gained any weight since returning from the cruise, which I'm stunned about. I've ate horribly and haven't worked out much at all. I really need to do better and I keep telling myself I'm going to, but it's just so difficult. I need to change my attitude towards food and exercising to how it was before. It's so hard though. I never thought I'd have this much of a st...

It's amazing how the littlest things can set you over the edge. A few hours ago this morning I got a phone call from a pastor. I didn't know what he needed, but I took his phone number to have the person he needed call him back. I got the number wrong when I read it back to him because he said it too fast. Here's how the rest of the conversation went from there... Him: Can you tell if a patient has been discharged? Me: No, I'm not able to look that up, but... Him: Nooooo [very denigrating tone]... What I asked was... Can you tell me if a patient has been discharged? Me: I can connect you to the switchboard and they can do that. Him: What's your name? Me: Sara... Him: How long have you worked there? Me: Two years. Him: Oh, it seems like you're new. Either you're new or you're really busy. Me: Uh... sorry? I'll connect you to the switchboard. First of all, what is the purpose of saying that to me? He might as well have told me ...

Crazy day at work. Those of us on permanent staff had a meeting together about work flow issues. All day afterwards I was uncomfortable and just felt generally bad about how it all went down. Unfortunately it feels like it'll be that way for quite awhile. I've learned some valuable lessons about work relationships that I may not have learned working anywhere else and I'm grateful for that. I basically knew that today was going to happen eventually because I was going crazy.

Today the spring interns graduated. I get slightly emotional about such things, even though I don't know the interns that well, nor had much interaction with them throughout the past twelve weeks. It's just such a step in life to be done with a quarter of CPE. Go interns.