Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel truly comfortable being myself. As it relates to this whole student affairs thing, I have to say that, I have yet to feel competent and capable. But it's more than that. Even within myself as a person, I often find that I leave situations thinking about how I could've been different and I struggle with how I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be more strong and then other times I wonder if I need to be more humble and appreciative. It's this really strange spectrum for me and I don't see how the two extremes fit together. It seems as though you're either kicked around or the one that does the kicking around. My whole problem is that I don't want to be seen as weak, but I also want people to see that grace is a part of my "philosophy."
Other than that, I've been thinking a lot about giving praise to God. The book I'm reading, Pillars of the Earth, has a main character that is a prior (a monk). A lot of his inner dialogue revolves around God's will and how everything that happens to us is because of God and, because of this, everything should be given back to God. Though I realize that all of this is pretty words on a page written by someone who I believe to be an atheist, it's still really hitting me through this novel that I'm bad at thanking God for what I have. I know that I'm so blessed beyond belief. I feel as though I've been lucky, but also that I've worked hard for what I have. However, I rarely attribute my happiness, successes, accomplishments, etc. to God. Should I thank God for being in England right now and having the experience of a lifetime? Should I thank God for being in grad school and learning about what I love? Should I thank God for having a normal family, a boyfriend that loves me, and a few genuine friendships? Should I thank God for all of the unconditional love that I've been given? Should I thank God for being capable of returning that love? Should I thank God for having a roof over my head and food in my belly? Yes, of course. My struggle comes when I start to think about the work I feel I've put in to achieve and maintain some of these things. Many of them have come from luck, but many of them have also come from own my persistence, determination, and drive. I guess the answer to that, then, would be... I should give thanks to God for my persistence, determination, drive, and luck. I guess I just kind of worked that out for myself, didn't I? Or maybe I should say, "Thanks God, for helping me work that out."
Other than that, I've been thinking a lot about giving praise to God. The book I'm reading, Pillars of the Earth, has a main character that is a prior (a monk). A lot of his inner dialogue revolves around God's will and how everything that happens to us is because of God and, because of this, everything should be given back to God. Though I realize that all of this is pretty words on a page written by someone who I believe to be an atheist, it's still really hitting me through this novel that I'm bad at thanking God for what I have. I know that I'm so blessed beyond belief. I feel as though I've been lucky, but also that I've worked hard for what I have. However, I rarely attribute my happiness, successes, accomplishments, etc. to God. Should I thank God for being in England right now and having the experience of a lifetime? Should I thank God for being in grad school and learning about what I love? Should I thank God for having a normal family, a boyfriend that loves me, and a few genuine friendships? Should I thank God for all of the unconditional love that I've been given? Should I thank God for being capable of returning that love? Should I thank God for having a roof over my head and food in my belly? Yes, of course. My struggle comes when I start to think about the work I feel I've put in to achieve and maintain some of these things. Many of them have come from luck, but many of them have also come from own my persistence, determination, and drive. I guess the answer to that, then, would be... I should give thanks to God for my persistence, determination, drive, and luck. I guess I just kind of worked that out for myself, didn't I? Or maybe I should say, "Thanks God, for helping me work that out."
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