I'm a helping person. I like helping people. The thing about helping people is that it may not be a great idea to do so when they are your competition for something. Especially something as important as a job.
I may have mentioned before that the thing I absolutely hate about this graduate program is that it constantly feels competitive. At first it was who came into the program with tons of student leadership experiences. I was definitely not at the top of that list. Then it was the practicum experiences this summer. Luckily I didn't have to partake in that process. Now as a full-timer I'm starting to feel the effects of needing to gather all of these experiences under my belt in an effort to cram my resume full of more skills and abilities. I must say, it is exhausting just thinking about it. And then I remember that everyone in the program is doing the same and in a roundabout way, they're doing the same so that they can outdo me. Granted, we will not all be applying for the same jobs when the times comes, but it is a possibility. And that freaks me out and makes me feel uncomfortable.
So... I've helped someone out. Someone who is essentially my competition. I've been worrying about this since it happened... literally since the helping words left my mouth. What happens if at graduation a job opens up? Will we be fighting over a position? How will I feel if I'm not chosen? Was it a mistake to want to help someone? (Can I really ask myself that last question? Is it ever a mistake to help someone?) I'm practically making myself sick thinking about it. Sick because my heart will be broken if I helped someone and it bites me in the ass and sick because I'm even thinking so much about this. I'm helping a friend, a peer, a colleague... and I have to feel good about that. I just wish I did.
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