I hate for everything tenth blog post to be about my mom, but that's how I roll, so either love it or leave it.
Last night I was talking to my dad about some wedding stuff. I'm not really sure how much he cares, if at all, though he says he does. I was talking about some real detailed stuff that he probably doesn't even understand, but he was still quiet and listened. At one point he stopped and he said, "I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice really. Do you think it would be different if your mom was here?"
It's a good question. Towards the beginning--right when we got engaged and I was in the first planning stages--I was upset often. I was already frustrated and not sure if I could handle it all and I didn't really feel like I had anyone to talk to or help me.
Since then, my feelings have subsided quite a bit. I did have a moment in the dressing room at Bridal Elegance, right before the consultant brought the dress in to me that I ended up picking. I was alone with the door closed, sitting in a big, ruffly dress (not my style, by the way), looking at myself in the mirror. It was very quiet except for the music. I thought to myself that I wished my mom was there to see me in wedding dresses and my eyes welled up. But I never had a moment while I was standing in front of my aunt and Philip's mom when I was overcome by emotion at the fact that my mom wasn't sitting there with them. Besides that time in the dressing room, I still haven't had any times where I was super sad that she wasn't there with me and if I'm being very honest, I haven't even thought about it much. It's hard to admit that.
I answered my dad. I said, "Ya know, I can't even really imagine what it would be like if she were here. That's probably sad, but since it's been so long ago, I wouldn't even know what to expect if my mom could experience it with me."
It's how I feel for the most part in regards to every part of my life and my mother's absence. If she had died a few years ago, I could probably picture better what it would be like. We're talking eight years ago. My mom only knows me as a child, as a 19 year old--not as a 27, almost 28 year old, about to get married. I'm a different person than I was then and I have no clue what our relationship dynamics would be like now, though I'm sure we'd be close.
I sort of feel guilty for saying that I don't think about it that much, but at the same time I recognize that that loss cannot permeate every moment of my life. My life would undoubtedly be ruined if it did. I have to give myself permission for it to be okay that I don't think about my mom being with me to plan my wedding. Giving myself that permission is like another small loss, though. In some way, I feel like it's a different level of forgetting her, and that makes me very sad.
Last night I was talking to my dad about some wedding stuff. I'm not really sure how much he cares, if at all, though he says he does. I was talking about some real detailed stuff that he probably doesn't even understand, but he was still quiet and listened. At one point he stopped and he said, "I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice really. Do you think it would be different if your mom was here?"
It's a good question. Towards the beginning--right when we got engaged and I was in the first planning stages--I was upset often. I was already frustrated and not sure if I could handle it all and I didn't really feel like I had anyone to talk to or help me.
Since then, my feelings have subsided quite a bit. I did have a moment in the dressing room at Bridal Elegance, right before the consultant brought the dress in to me that I ended up picking. I was alone with the door closed, sitting in a big, ruffly dress (not my style, by the way), looking at myself in the mirror. It was very quiet except for the music. I thought to myself that I wished my mom was there to see me in wedding dresses and my eyes welled up. But I never had a moment while I was standing in front of my aunt and Philip's mom when I was overcome by emotion at the fact that my mom wasn't sitting there with them. Besides that time in the dressing room, I still haven't had any times where I was super sad that she wasn't there with me and if I'm being very honest, I haven't even thought about it much. It's hard to admit that.
I answered my dad. I said, "Ya know, I can't even really imagine what it would be like if she were here. That's probably sad, but since it's been so long ago, I wouldn't even know what to expect if my mom could experience it with me."
It's how I feel for the most part in regards to every part of my life and my mother's absence. If she had died a few years ago, I could probably picture better what it would be like. We're talking eight years ago. My mom only knows me as a child, as a 19 year old--not as a 27, almost 28 year old, about to get married. I'm a different person than I was then and I have no clue what our relationship dynamics would be like now, though I'm sure we'd be close.
I sort of feel guilty for saying that I don't think about it that much, but at the same time I recognize that that loss cannot permeate every moment of my life. My life would undoubtedly be ruined if it did. I have to give myself permission for it to be okay that I don't think about my mom being with me to plan my wedding. Giving myself that permission is like another small loss, though. In some way, I feel like it's a different level of forgetting her, and that makes me very sad.
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