I've been very bad about this blogging thing and it makes me sad that I haven't kept up with it. The trip really has had me in a whirlwind ever since I returned and it probably won't slow down until the end of September.
I am constantly fascinated by how quickly time goes by. It's already been two weeks since I got back. It's been one day since Erin's wedding. It's been one year since Celeste's wedding. It's been six years since I met Philip. Holy crap. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and I'm not even dying. (Or so I think...)
I have some serious living to do in the next few years. I decided that about a year ago. Ever since I became okay with not getting married by a certain age and not having kids by a certain age it really opened up possibilities for me. I will go to England for a summer and I will go to Wilmington, NC or Erie, PA for a summer. I will move away for a job if I have to. I will do as the Romans do. I do not want to have any regrets about having an opportunity and passing it up. I'm at the point in my life where I'm able to make some great decisions for myself--some life-changing decisions--and it's such a great feeling.
There is one aspect of my life, however, that aches consistently and that is my relationship with Philip. I hesitate to talk about via blog because when I go to England I plan on using this blog to catalog my life and times there. At that point it will become public because I want people to be in on what I'm experiencing there. Hence, they'll be able to read past posts. At this point though, I'm just going to do it because it seems weird to talk about life without talking about him because he's such a huge part of it.
I love Philip. He is a big part of my life, simply for the fact that we've been together for so long. He's seen me through so many different situations and he knows me very well. I want to marry Philip to see him happy. I know I could be happy too. We could have a happy life together. However (and this is a big however), I feel like I would exert a lot of energy trying to continue happiness. My energy is drained constantly trying to keep or make this person happy. It feels as though the marriage would be mediocre. The relationship, to me, is mediocre. And part of me is okay with mediocre. I recognize that life and love are not like how they are in the movies. Every second is not transformational or inspirational. There's just something in me that yearns for more. A more intellectual conversation, a more passionate kiss, a more driven career path, a more silly personality, a more compassionate demeanor... the list could go on. I'm not sure if I can have all of those things, I'm not sure if I had all of those things that I would want all of them, and I'm not even sure I know what all of those things mean. What I do know, though, is that you cannot change someone. He and I have had multiple conversations about these things exactly and I think he knows deep down what I need and want (and should have?) in a partner.
I care about him so much and it's so confusing because I don't want to continue dragging this out for him if it's not going to work but at the same time I don't not want him in my life. (And "work" I guess means getting married?) I wonder if I'm doing both of us a disservice by not moving on. I almost cannot picture my life without him. So where does that leave us? I have no effing clue. And it's very frustrating.
I am constantly fascinated by how quickly time goes by. It's already been two weeks since I got back. It's been one day since Erin's wedding. It's been one year since Celeste's wedding. It's been six years since I met Philip. Holy crap. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and I'm not even dying. (Or so I think...)
I have some serious living to do in the next few years. I decided that about a year ago. Ever since I became okay with not getting married by a certain age and not having kids by a certain age it really opened up possibilities for me. I will go to England for a summer and I will go to Wilmington, NC or Erie, PA for a summer. I will move away for a job if I have to. I will do as the Romans do. I do not want to have any regrets about having an opportunity and passing it up. I'm at the point in my life where I'm able to make some great decisions for myself--some life-changing decisions--and it's such a great feeling.
There is one aspect of my life, however, that aches consistently and that is my relationship with Philip. I hesitate to talk about via blog because when I go to England I plan on using this blog to catalog my life and times there. At that point it will become public because I want people to be in on what I'm experiencing there. Hence, they'll be able to read past posts. At this point though, I'm just going to do it because it seems weird to talk about life without talking about him because he's such a huge part of it.
I love Philip. He is a big part of my life, simply for the fact that we've been together for so long. He's seen me through so many different situations and he knows me very well. I want to marry Philip to see him happy. I know I could be happy too. We could have a happy life together. However (and this is a big however), I feel like I would exert a lot of energy trying to continue happiness. My energy is drained constantly trying to keep or make this person happy. It feels as though the marriage would be mediocre. The relationship, to me, is mediocre. And part of me is okay with mediocre. I recognize that life and love are not like how they are in the movies. Every second is not transformational or inspirational. There's just something in me that yearns for more. A more intellectual conversation, a more passionate kiss, a more driven career path, a more silly personality, a more compassionate demeanor... the list could go on. I'm not sure if I can have all of those things, I'm not sure if I had all of those things that I would want all of them, and I'm not even sure I know what all of those things mean. What I do know, though, is that you cannot change someone. He and I have had multiple conversations about these things exactly and I think he knows deep down what I need and want (and should have?) in a partner.
I care about him so much and it's so confusing because I don't want to continue dragging this out for him if it's not going to work but at the same time I don't not want him in my life. (And "work" I guess means getting married?) I wonder if I'm doing both of us a disservice by not moving on. I almost cannot picture my life without him. So where does that leave us? I have no effing clue. And it's very frustrating.
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